


Moments in Time

by Dreaminofyou



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-07-29 22:23:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20089738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreaminofyou/pseuds/Dreaminofyou
Summary: Rue has never been good with relationships, that's a fact.





	1. Chapter 1

I’d lost count of the number of times the fan blade I was following had circled the ceiling. I had gotten up to four-hundred and twenty-seven before my eyes couldn’t stay open any longer. My body felt like it was sinking more and more into my bed, pulling me into the depths of darkness with each breath I took.

It had been exactly three days and six hours since the last time I heard from Jules. The last I heard of her, she said she was going to visit a friend for the weekend. I hadn’t gotten a single text or call from her and to be honest, I wasn’t expecting her to contact me. These past few weeks, I could feel her distancing herself from me. I didn’t know what I had done to make her do so, but I was too much of a fucking coward to ask what was really going on.

The night of the party was a huge eye opener for me. Jules saw me as a friend, nothing more. The only reason she hadn’t pushed me away and told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship was because she probably thought I would fucking relapse. I didn’t blame her; the thought had crossed my mind.

I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me every time I saw her. I wanted to taste her lips against mine, kiss down her neck and touch her in places no one else has, but I knew that would never happen. She doesn’t love me in the way that I love her and that fucking kills me inside. I mean seriously, what the hell do I have to offer her? A one-way ticket into a relationship with a recovering, bipolar drug addict? Sounds like a fucking win to me, right?

“Rue, baby, breakfast is ready,” my Mom said peaking her head into my room. I didn’t have the strength to even move.

“hmm,” I mumbled, not moving an inch as I felt my Mom sit on the side of my bed.

“I picked up your prescription, too,” she said, placing her hand on my back and rubbing it up and down soothingly. I could hear that she had the prescription package in her hand and I lifted my head up knowing I should begin to take my medication.

“Thanks, mom,” I mumbled, throwing the covers off my body and sitting up on the side of the bed. The whole room began to spin and my head drifted to the side slightly knowing that if I stood up, I would most likely pass out.

“Lexi’s here,” she said and I knitted my eyebrows confused. Why would she be here?

“She said she’s been calling and texting you but you haven’t answered. She looks worried. Why don’t you take your prescription and then come into the kitchen so you all can have breakfast. I need to leave for work in a few minutes,” she said patting my leg and smiling as she left the room.

I sighed out knowing that I had ignored Lexi’s texts and calls all weekend. Honestly, if I were her, I would have ditched my ass a long time ago. Seriously, why the fuck would you want a friend like me? Especially after I had basically told her that we were not even that good of friends to begin with.

I popped the cap off the prescription bottle and immediately my mind went elsewhere as I remembered all the prescription bottles I had stolen from my mom and other people. I stared down into the bottle and tried to count the number of pills but I closed my eyes and took a deep breath knowing that I should just take the damn pill and get it over with.

“Fuck,” I mumbled, swallowing the pill as I tilted my head back.

I stood up slowly, grasping my back as I tried to straighten out. I felt a bit lightheaded but I straightened my back out nonetheless. I shuffled my feet down the hallway and saw Lexi sitting at the table with my mom.

“Rue,” she smiled, standing up and walking over towards me as I came into her view.

“Baby, I'll see you at three when I get off, okay?” my Mom said smiling as she waved at both me and Lexi as she walked out the backdoor.

“Umm, I sent you a bunch of texts but you never answered me. Is everything okay?” she asked as I sighed out and slumped down onto the couch.

“Sorry, haven’t been feeling good the past few days,” I mumbled out, leaning my head back onto the couch.

“Have you heard from Jules?” she asked and I closed my eyes and just shook my head back and forth.

“She’s better fucking off without me. I’m a fucking mess, no wonder she had to get away,” I said, placing my arm across my eyes blocking the light from the kitchen.

“Rue, don’t say that. You’re doing so well,” she said taking a seat next to me on the couch. She placed her hand on my leg and squeezed it softly sending chills throughout my body. That was a strange feeling. All the hairs on my body stood upright as she continued to rub her hand up and down my leg innocently.

“Why are you friends with me?” I asked, sitting up on the couch and uncovering my eyes.

“Huh?” she asked sounding confused.

“I mean, why are you friends with me? I’m fucking _awful_ to you half the time,” I asked, wanting to know the truth because there's absolutely no way a sane person would want to stay friends with me.

“You’ve been my friend since we started elementary school,” she said shrugging her shoulders and looking away from me.

“So? That doesn’t explain why you stick around and put up with my bullshit,” I said trying to get her to look at me.

“You’re my best friend,” she said softly, still avoiding eye contact.

“Lexi, I treat you like absolute_ shit_ most of the time and yet you’re still here. _Why_?” I asked scooting a bit closer to her.

“Umm, I...” she started to say but I heard the sound of my phone going off meaning I had a new text.

“Hold on,“ I said getting up from the couch and making my way into my room, grabbing my phone off the table next to my bed.

_Jules: You have no idea how much I missed you_

I could feel my heart palpating in my chest as I read the text message over and over again. She missed me?

“Was that Jules?” Lexi asked softly behind me. I hadn’t even heard her come into my room.

“Uh, yeah. She said she misses me,” I said smiling down at my phone as I read her text message one more time.

“Oh um...that’s great,” she nodded as she looked down at the floor. The way she said that didn’t really sound like she meant it. It almost sounded as if she were sad about Jules missing me.

“Um, I better head back home,” she mumbled walking out of my room not giving me a chance to even say bye.

“Wait, Lex, what’s wrong?” I asked, knitting my eyebrows as I followed after her grabbing her arm. She shrugged me off as she continued to walk towards the door briskly. I grabbed her arm once more and turned her around so she was facing me and I frowned as I saw tears welling up in her eyes.

“Lex, what’s wrong?” I asked cupping her cheek as a tear streamed down her face. She shook her head softly as another tear rolled down her cheek. The next thing I knew, she grabbed my face in her hands and pulled me down towards her lips, crashing ours together. My eyes widened as she held my lips firmly against hers. I could feel her lips quivering as she stroked my cheeks back and forth with her thumbs. What in the hell was going on? She slowly started to move her lips against mine and on instinct my lips moved with hers.

“What are you doing?” I whispered as she pulled back slowly. Her warm breath hit my lips with each breath she took and seconds passed in silence.

She finally looked up into my eyes and stroked my cheek one last time before turning around and bolting out the back door. My feet felt like they had been cemented to the floor as I watched her walk away quickly and down the street. A million thoughts were swarming my brain as I realized why Lexi had stayed friends with me all of these years.

“Fuck,” I sighed out reaching my hand up towards my forehead rubbing it back and forth.

* * *

_Continue?_


	2. Chapter 2

“Come on, Lexi. Pick up the phone,” I sighed out, shaking my head as I pulled the phone away from my ear. I had called Lexi over a dozen times but she had done a very good job of ignoring every single one of my fucking calls.

“Who do you keep calling?” Gia asked, looking up from her phone on the couch.

“Lexi,” I mumbled, not caring to elaborate.

“What did you do?” Gia asked placing her phone on the sofa and sat up. The fuck? Why would she assume that I did something?

“Why would you ask me that?” I asked sitting down next to her and throwing my phone haphazardly next to me.

“Lexi told me at the carnival that you only call her for two reasons. One, you need a favor from her. Or two, you’re calling to apologize,” Gia said shrugging her shoulders.

“She said that?” I asked immediately feeling guilty._ God_, I was such a shit friend.

“Yeah, after you basically ditched her to hang out with Jules the rest of the night,” she said grabbing her phone off the couch as it dinged.

“I did _not_ ditch her,” I said shaking my head. I couldn’t even remember where Lexi had gone the rest of the night. I remember hugging Jules and then when I finally looked back, Lexi was gone.

“Uh, yes you did,” Gia said, “you were so caught up with Jules that you didn’t even notice her leave the carnival,” she said.

“_Fuck_,” I sighed out knowing she was right.

“So what happened?” Gia asked, nudging my shoulder softly.

“I...I don’t even know what happened myself,” I said still in disbelief.

“Well go over and talk to her. She’s obviously not gonna answer your calls. Might as well talk to her face to face,” Gia said getting up from the couch and making her way to the fridge to find something to eat.

_Ugh_.

I grabbed my hoodie off the back of one of the kitchen chairs and threw it on.

“I’ll be back in a little bit,” I told Gia as I exited the back door. I grabbed the handle bars of my bike and threw one of my legs over the side, straddling the seat. I placed my feet on both pedals but I was afraid to move because that would mean I would get to my destination faster. I fucking hated confrontation. Lexi obviously did _not_ want to talk to me. I knew though that if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night. My body was already exhausted, no need to add fuel to the fire.

I sighed out and started pedaling my way to Lexi’s house. The second I turned onto her street, I almost crashed into someone else on their bike. I swerved to the side not wanting to hit them full on and landed on the side walk.

“_Fucking shit_,” I mumbled with my face smashed into the pavement. I could feel my knees burning and the side of my face felt like it was on fire.

“Rue!” someone yelled and I immediately recognized that voice. I would recognize that voice anywhere.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t see you,” she said squatting down beside me. Her hand found its way to my back as she started rubbing it lightly. I closed my eyes and immediately all the pain disappeared from my body at her touch.

“Here, let me help you up,” she said grabbing my hands as I sat up slowly.

“Go slow,” she said grasping my hands as I stood up carefully. Her arms immediately wrapped around my torso as I stood up fully. I leaned my head into the crook of her neck and inhaled slowly. My arms reached around her waist and pulled her as close to me as possible.

“I missed you,” Jules whispered into my ear sending chills down my spine. Just like that, everything came crashing down on me. Jules had to leave the _fucking city_ to get away from me. It was my fault she left in the first place. She needed a break from me.

I pulled away from her and took a step back knowing that I shouldn’t be doing this. Why was I torturing myself like this when I knew that Jules and I would never be in an actual relationship? I shook my head and took another step back almost falling off the fucking sidewalk. Her arms reached out to steady me but I shook my head and put my hands out signaling for her not to touch me.

“I have to go,” I mumbled out hobbling over to my bike in the middle of the street. The burning sensation came back on my knees and I looked down to see that they were all scraped up and bleeding.

“Wait, can we talk?” she asked grabbing ahold of my arm lightly. She stood in front of me and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around her and talk to her all night but what good would that do?

“Umm...I’m going to Lexi’s,” I said avoiding eye contact. Lexi’s house was literally right in front of me. I could walk with my bike there. My knees hurt too much and I'm sure they would hurt more if I kept bending them while I pedaled.

“I was coming over to see you. You never answered my text,” she said tugging on my arm lightly not letting me leave.

“Maybe we can talk later,” I mumbled pulling my arm out of her grasp as I started to slowly walk up the driveway to Lexi’s house.

“Are you mad at me?” she asked softly behind me, her voice quivering slightly. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t turn around. Was I angry at her or was I angry at myself?

“I’m sorry for leaving, I just-,” she started to say but I turned around and held my hands up not wanting her to continue.

“No, I get it. I know why you left. You needed a break from me,” I said shaking my head softly as I turned back around and started to walk up the pathway to Lexi’s house.

“No, no that is not true,” she said shakily as she jogged in front of me. She reached for both of my hands and grasped them tightly against her chest.

“Look, Jules please. _Please_, don’t lie to me. You’re gonna stand there and say I'm not the fucking reason why you left? These past few weeks, I could feel you distancing yourself from me. You don’t want to _be_ with me. I get it, okay? It fucking sucks but I get it,” I said shakily feeling tears brimming my eyes.

Fuck, I needed to get a hold of myself. How was I going to show up to Lexi’s crying and looking like I just got ran over?

“Rue, I-” Jules started to say but she was quickly interrupted. `

“What’s going on down there? Rue, are you bleeding?” Cassie asked startling me as she opened her bedroom window. I looked up and I could see Cassie and Lexi staring down at us. They both had confused looks on their faces and I didn’t blame them. I mean seriously, I looked like a fucking disaster right now. I immediately pulled my hands out of Jules’ grasp.

“Lexi, can you please open the door so we can talk?” I asked staring up at her pleadingly.

“What’s going on?” Cassie asked turning around towards Lexi curiously. 

“Rue, I...I’m not ready to talk,” Lexi said shaking her head slowly. My shoulders deflated and I nodded my head dejectedly.

“What is wrong with you? She’s hurt,” Cassie said disappearing from the window. A few moments later I heard the door swing open and Cassie ushered me inside.

“What the hell happened?” Cassie asked guiding me over to the couch. Jules followed after me and sat down next to me on the couch. She reached up towards my cheek and turned my face slowly towards hers.

“She fell off her bike. Let me see,” she whispered gently as she reached up and turned my face towards hers. Her soft fingers traced my chin as she looked over my face worriedly.

“Cass, can you get me a warm, wet towel?” she asked brushing a few strands of hair out of my face.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lexi standing at the bottom of the stairs. I stood up and immediately walked over towards her.

“Lexi, I-” I started to say but she shook her head and hushed me.

“Please, _please_ don’t say anything in front of them,” she whispered towards me and I looked over my shoulder to see Jules and Cassie staring at us curiously.

“Can we talk upstairs?” I asked hopefully. She nodded her head and turned around as she started to ascend the stairs. I glanced back at Jules and she was just sitting there on the couch staring at me with the towel in her hand. I could clean my cuts later, it wasn't a big deal. I followed Lexi as quickly as I could wincing with each step I took. 

"Are you okay?" Lexi asked worriedly as she turned around on the stairs. She must have heard my painful sighs as I ascended the stairs behind her. 

"Yeah uh...I'm fine," I lied. My knees felt like they were going to collapse at any second but fuck it. 

“I called you like twenty times,” I exclaimed as Lexi shut the door to her bedroom behind us. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against the door.

“I know, I'm sorry I didn’t answer. I’m just so..._embarrassed_,” she said turning around and facing me but not looking me in the eyes.

“Umm... why did you do it?” I asked taking a step towards her hoping that she would finally look up at me.

“I thought you would have figured it out by now,” she said glancing up at me with her big brown eyes.

“But...why me? I mean...how could you like someone like me?” I asked following her as she sat on her bed. I sat at the edge of the bed and waited for an explanation. 

“Rue, I...do you remember that time that I asked you to...you know, help me practice kissing because Tucker asked me out?” she asked and my mind immediately flashed back to our first kiss. It was awkward to say the least. Our lips were only pressed together for a few moments before both of us pulled back.

“Yeah, what about it?” I asked shifting slightly on the bed. What did that have to do with anything?

“Tucker never really um...asked me out,” she said fumbling with her hands in her lap. My eyebrows shot up on my forehead.

“What? But you guys went to the formal together,” I said jerking my head back confused. 

“We did go together but as _friends_,” she said softly.

“So when you asked me to practice french kissing with you....” I started to say not knowing if what I was hearing was true. Did she say that just so she could kiss me?

I felt like I was hallucinating right now. How could I not have realized this before? Lexi and I had been friends for years and never in a million years would I have thought she would have feelings for me. You see? This is what I'm fucking talking about. I'm a fucking _terrible friend_.

“I just...i wanted to kiss you so bad that I didn’t know what else to do back then. So, I made that up. _God,_ I'm so pathetic,” she said wiping a tear from her red, tear stained cheek.

“Look, I know you probably feel really uncomfortable around me right now and I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore but I just couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer. It use to just be me and you but when Jules came into the picture, it’s like... I don’t even know how to explain it. I see the way you look at her and you have no idea how many times I wish you'd look at me like that,” she said as she continued to wipe at her tears.

“I...” I said shaking my head not able to form a coherent thought. What was I supposed to say to that?

“Come here,” I said pulling her into my arms and hugging her tightly against me.

“Look at me,” I said pulling back and resting my forehead against hers, “please don’t cry,” I said wiping her tear stained cheeks with my thumbs. I watched as she closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into my hand softly.

“You know I love you, right? You’ve stuck with me through all of my bullshit and I don’t even deserve it,” I whispered to her softly. Lexi’s eyes opened and she looked into my eyes for a few moments before her eyes traveled down towards my lips. I knew what she was about to do but something inside of me wouldn’t let me pull away from her. Her soft hands cupped my cheeks and for the second time that day, she pressed her lips against mine. I sighed out into her mouth as her hands traveled into my hair pulling me closer towards her. Our lips moved gently against one another and this felt nothing like our previous kisses. The way she stroked her lips against mine sparked something inside of me and I couldn't help but moan softly into her mouth.

I’d never kissed someone like this. Not even Jules. Our kisses were always short and sweet but this was a new experience for me. I can’t even remember the last time I made out with someone. All of my past experiences were literal _shit_ compared to this. As you know, my history of sexual encounters is short and pathetic. All guys wanted to do was stick their tongue down my throat and seriously, how fucking disgusting was that?

“Rue, we really need to clean your cuts before they ge-” Jules said opening up the door before Lexi and I could break apart. Our lips parted with a smack and I quickly scooted away from Lexi almost falling off the bed in the process. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with me today? I had already fell off my bike and now here I was about to fall off the bed? I couldn't catch a fucking break today. Jules and Cassie stood in the doorway with their mouths open in shock.

The bottle of rubbing alcohol fell from Jules' hands and I watched as it dropped to the floor. In that moment, it felt like everything was happening in slow motion. I glanced back and forth between Lexi and Jules, neither of them taking their eyes off me.

“Am I missing something here?” Cassie asked motioning back and forth with her index finger between Lexi and I.

* * *

;) comments fuel my soul 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to clarify a few things. This story is canon up until bits of 1x07. Jules did go visit her friend but Anna does not exist. I also write as I go, so this story is neither one hundred percent rue/jules or rue/lexi. I honestly haven't decided who I want Rue to be with.

I fucking _hated_ silence. Whenever I went to bed, I always made sure my TV was on in the background just so the room wouldn’t be engulfed in silence. Silence was my enemy. It made my thoughts scramble around in my head until the point that I had no idea how to stop it. That’s why I always made sure to have music on or something to dull out the silence.

It had been exactly sixty-two seconds of silence since Cassie uttered if something was going on between Lexi and I. To be honest, I felt like climbing out the fucking window to get out of this misery. Seriously, I felt like an animal trapped in a cage and the cage was becoming smaller by the second.

“Is this why you wanted to see Lexi?” Jules asked taking a step towards me. Her eyes looked glossy and I immediately felt like I had been caught cheating.

“You guys, this is between Rue and me. Okay? Can you please give us a minute?” Lexi said as she stood up from the bed and put her hand on my shoulder. Even though she wasn’t directly touching me, I could feel her touch burning through the layers of my skin.

The moment Lexi placed her hand on my shoulder, Jules took a step backwards but never stopped looking into my eyes. She tilted her head to the side lightly and I could see a tear fall but she was quick to wipe it away.

“You want me to leave?” Jules whispered, her voice cracking a bit. She stared down at me as she stood in front of me and before I could even answer she replied, “No problem.” She turned around so quickly that I didn’t even get the chance to reach out for her.

“Jules!” I yelled after her. I jumped off the bed and tried to follow her down the stairs but my knees were fucking burning. I looked down at them and could see dried, crusted blood splattered across them and I sighed out loudly.

“Fuck,” I mumbled as I stared back into the room. Cassie had sat down next to Lexi and I knew she was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Do you not trust me? I mean, I tell you everything,” Cassie stated wringing her hands in her lap as she glanced up at Lexi.

“No, no. This has nothing to do with trust. I...I’m honestly still trying to figure everything out myself,” she replied as I hobbled back into the room. I reached down on the floor and grabbed the towel and alcohol bottle that Jules had dropped. I may as well clean my cuts.

‘You know I wouldn’t care if you like girls, right?” Cassie said as I watched them from the doorway. Cassie had placed her hand on Lexi’s leg and squeezed it softly. Lexi smiled and leaned her head down onto Cassie’s shoulder.

“I don’t have any advice though about sex, you’re gonna have to figure that one out on your own,” Cassie chuckled and winked at her sister. Lexi immediately brought her hands up to her face and covered her face bashfully. I immediately looked away from them not wanting to lock eyes with either one of them.

“Oh my God, you did not just say that,” Lexi said standing up from the bed and walking over towards me. She grabbed my hand and ushered me over to the bed as she grabbed the alcohol bottle out of my hand.

“What! It’s true!” Cassie said laughing as she exited the room. She winked at me as well and my eyes immediately shot down towards the floor. How fucking embarrassing was this?

“SIt,” she said softly pushing me down by the shoulders gently.

Lexi knelt in front of me and dabbed a bit of alcohol onto the towel and looked up at me.

“This is going to burn a little,” she said and I gritted my teeth, nodding at her to continue. She lightly dabbed the towel onto my knee and I jerked back and squeezed my eyes shut because shit did that fucking burn.

“Damn it,” I mumbled gripping the comforter of the bed as Lexi continued to clean the cuts on my knees. I leaned back and let my back fall onto the bed as I sighed out. I could feel Lexi trying to wipe away the dry blood and I immediately tried to think of something else to get my mind off it. Of course, my mind wandered to Jules. Fuck, did she look so hurt when she left. I just wanted to grab her and apologize but what was I going to apologize for? We weren’t officially together, Jules made very sure of that in the first place.

I mean she left. She _fucking_ left. She didn’t call or text me the entire weekend and then all of a sudden she comes back and thinks everything is going to be the same?

“There. All done,” Lexi said patting my thigh as she stood up in front of me. I opened my eyes and looked up at her as she made her way around the bed.

“Thanks,” I mumbled grabbing her hand and squeezing it softly. She knelt down next to the bed as I turned my head and stared into her eyes. I knew she wanted to say something but something was stopping her from doing so.

“Rue, are you in love with Jules?” she whispered to me, almost as if she were afraid to hear the answer to her question.

“I...” I started to say. Jules had been my entire world for the past couple of months. I fell for her the night I met her and to this day, my feelings for her have only grown stronger. I love her. I love her more than anything.

“Of course you are. What a stupid question,” Lexi sighed looking down towards the floor.

“Hey,” I said sitting up a bit on the bed. I pushed her chin up lightly with my index finger and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

“I honestly don’t know what is going on between Jules and I but I'm not going to lie to you. I love her very much,” I said to which she just nodded her head. Why did everything have to be so damn complicated in my life? Why couldn’t I just have one day where everything went right? I felt like such an asshole for telling Lexi how I really felt but I didn’t want to lie to her. Lies only lead to more lies and sooner or later, everything would come crashing down.

“You should go talk to her,” Lexi uttered as she nodded her head. I just wanted to go home and forget everything. You see? This is one of the reasons I turned to drugs in the first place. That moment of pure relaxation and emptiness was something I strived to feel ever since my Dad died. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I just wanted to disappear. Drugs were my escape into a world where I had no worries, where I had no responsibilities.

“Rue, are you okay? You kinda spaced out there for a second,” Lexi said looking at me worriedly.

“I just want to go to sleep,” I sighed out gently.

“Do you want to sleep over?” Lexi asked softly as she ran her hands gently through my hair. I leaned into her touch and smiled as a memory of my dad popped into my head. Whenever we would watch a movie or tv at home when I was little, I would always lay my head down on his leg. He would gently run his fingers through my hair and I always fell asleep before the show or movie ended. He would always carry me to bed in his strong arms and I wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth of his hug one more time.

He would tuck me into bed and always say, “_love you, kiddo_,” before he left my room. A tear cascaded down my cheek as I turned to Lexi and nodded softly.

“What’s wrong?” she asked wiping my tear softly with the knuckle of her index finger.

“My Dad would always run his hands through my hair like you were just doing. I was just remembering,” I said shakily as she cupped my cheek delicately and smiled down at me. She leaned forward ever so gently and kissed my cheek tenderly.

“Let me get you something to sleep in,” she said running her thumb across my cheek where she had just placed a kiss.

Lexi came back a few moments later with an oversized shirt. She placed it gently in my lap and told me she was going to change in the restroom and that she would be right back. I sat up slowly, reaching for the hem of my shirt as I brought it over my head. I unsnapped my bra and threw it haphazardly to the side. I threw the large shirt on before sliding my shorts down my legs carefully avoiding my cuts.

Lexi strolled in a moment later in shorts and a t-shirt and I smiled as she made her way to the side of the bed. She pulled down the blanket and patted it softly, signaling for me to come lie down next to her.

“Um...” I said all of a sudden becoming nervous sleeping next to her. I had slept next to Lexi dozens of times but tonight was different.

“Come here,” Lexi said softly reaching out and grabbing my hand. She pulled me down gently and all my worries were thrown out the window as I laid my head down next to her.

“I text Gia that you were spending the night,” Lexi whispered next to me.

“Thanks,” I mumbled adjusting my head on the pillow. I scooted a bit away from Lexi but being that Lexi’s bed was so small, I almost fell off the bed.

“Shit,” I yelped as Lexi reached out and pulled me towards her. Her arms wrapped around me and my breathing picked up. Her arms remained wrapped around me and I had no other choice but to lean into her touch and lay my head down onto her chest.

“Is this okay?” Lexi asked apprehensively. I loved laying with someone like this. It felt so nice being wrapped up in someone’s arms. My favorite thing about it was laying my head on the other persons chest and listening to their heartbeat. The sound always soothed me to sleep. I could hear Lexi’s heart beating with every moment that passed. It was beating quite fast but mine was probably beating the same exact way.

“Yeah, it feels nice. Night Lexi,” I mumbled into the crook of her neck. She squeezed me tighter against her and I felt her kiss the top of my forehead.

“Goodnight, Rue,” she whispered, gently running her fingers up and down my back soothingly. I could feel my breathing slow down and before I knew it, I had drifted off to sleep in Lexi’s warm embrace.

* * *

Next up: Rue talks to Jules. 

I may update again tonight, working on the next chapter now. That all depends on you guys though! ;)


	4. Chapter 4

“Gia, can you turn your music down?!” I asked storming into her bedroom. It was around eight in the morning and I had just gotten home from Lexi’s. She was still asleep when I left but I couldn’t bring myself to stay and wait for her to wake up. I know that was a shitty move but I just wanted to get home and take a shower.

Gia was dancing around the room and hadn’t even noticed I said anything because her music was so loud. I smiled as she was dancing in front of her mirror holding different outfits up against her.

“Gia!” I screamed above the music and she nearly jumped from where she was standing. She immediately walked over to her radio and lowered it. She turned around towards me and her eyes widened as she walked quickly over towards me.

“What happened?! Did you get run over or something?” Gia asked worriedly as she grabbed my face gently and turned it from side to side.

“No, no I'm fine. I fell off my bike,” I said grabbing her hands and moving them away from my face gently.

“Are you sure? Your face looks pretty bad,” she said shaking her head lightly.

“Yeah, I'm honestly fine,” I said shaking my head like it wasn’t a big deal. To be honest, I hadn’t even looked in the mirror since I fell off my bike. Guess my face looked pretty fucked up.

“So, how did it go with Lexi?” she asked walking back over towards her closet as I plopped down on her bed.

“Has Lexi ever said anything else to you about me?” I asked wondering if Gia knew anything about Lexi’s feelings for me.

“Like what?” she asked curiously raising her eyebrows. Her eyes shifted from side to side. She knew something, she fucking _knew_ something. My eyes narrowed as I stared at her a bit longer. With each passing moment, her face was giving away more and more hints that she in fact knew something.

“Gia,” I said grabbing her hand as she tried to walk back over towards her closet.

“Uh...I don’t know what you mean,” Gia said shrugging her shoulders avoiding my eyes.

“Bullshit, you know something. Come here,” I said pulling her hand back towards the bed where I was still seated.

“Look Rue, I don’t know what Lexi told you but you need to talk to her. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything to you,” she said putting her hands up defensively. My mouth opened in shock. Had Lexi talked to Gia about how she felt about me?

“She kissed me yesterday,” I revealed and Gia’s eyes immediately shot up towards mine.

“Are you serious?” she asked, her voice raising an octave. I stared back at her because her reaction was a little delayed, like she was contemplating what to say.

“Damn, I really need to work on my shocked reaction,” Gia muttered shaking her head. “Okay, I already knew she kissed you. She text me yesterday,” Gia admitted.

“What the hell!” I said throwing one of her pillows straight at her face. It landed square on her face and I smirked. Bulls fucking eye. Gia grabbed it and threw it straight back at me hitting me in the face.

“_Fuck_,” I sighed out grabbing the side of my face painfully. Damn, it felt like I had just been slapped in the face.

“Oh shit! I'm sorry, I forgot about your face,” she said walking quickly back over towards me.

“You _knew_ she kissed me? Is that why you told me to go over and talk to her yesterday?” I asked curiously. What else did Gia know about Lexi’s feelings?

“Uh...okay fine yes,” she said sitting down on the bed beside me.

“Gia, please tell me what’s going on. I’m so confused right now,” I said leaning back and laying my head on the pillow.

“What did Lexi tell you?” she asked and I shook my head softly not really knowing how to explain everything to her.

“Well, I went over and asked her why she did it and basically she told me that she’s wanted to kiss me for a while,” I said turning my head to the side to see her reaction.

“Did she tell you about...Tucker?” Gia asked raising her eyebrows. Seriously, what the fuck? How much did Gia know and to top it off, why the hell hadn’t Gia told me anything?

“Shit, how much do you know? Yeah, she told me she lied that he asked her out, that they just went to the dance as friends. She said she told me that so she could practice...you know, french kissing with me,” I said bashfully.

“French kissing, huh?” Gia asked smirking at me as she nudged my shoulder softly, “Lexi must have left the _french kissing_ part out of the story when she told me,” Gia said chuckling.

“Gia, shut up,” I said smacking her arm lightly.

“How long have you known about Lexi’s feelings for me?” I asked wanting to know everything possible that Lexi had told Gia.

“Umm,” Gia said looking away from me, “it was when you were in the hospital. After you know...” she said referring to my overdose.

“She came to the hospital and stayed by your side for a couple of days. I walked into your room one day and she was crying and she just...she told me _everything_,” she said softly. I didn’t remember Lexi being at the hospital at all. I can’t believe she was there and I didn’t even know it. I cringed as I remembered getting upset at Lexi a few weeks ago in the restroom. I wish I could take back my words about telling her we weren’t best friends. In fact, she was the only _real_ friend I had.

“Fuck,” I said shaking my head lightly as I shut my eyes and sighed out.

“What are you gonna do, Rue?” Gia asked as I stared up at the ceiling. I shook my head from side to side as a million thoughts ran through my head. I had no idea what to do but I knew I needed to talk to Jules.

* * *

I don’t know how long I stood out in front of Jules’ house trying to get the courage to knock on the door. Twenty minutes must have passed as I stood across the street staring at her curtain covered window. What if she didn’t open the door? What if she told me she didn’t want to see me again?

My heart started to race inside my chest and I could feel my breathing increase. It felt like I was about to have a panic attack and my legs started shaking. I sat down quickly not wanting to collapse to the floor and injure myself any further.

I lowered my face into my hands and breathed in and out trying to control my breathing. I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them against my body. My head rested on my knees as I watched a few cars pass by.

My phone dinged in my back pocket and I ignored it not wanting to move from the comfortable position I was in. I closed my eyes as a light breeze passed by and I inhaled softly feeling the muscles inside my body relax.

My phone dinged once again and I sighed out reaching into my back pocket pulling it out.

_Jules: Are you going to sit out there all day?_

I immediately looked up towards her window and found her staring down at me. Her face was void of any type of expression and I felt my heart rate speed up. Did that mean she wanted me to come in? Or was she politely telling me to fuck off and go home?

I quickly typed a message back towards her and waited for her reply. I watched her intently as she opened the message on her phone and read it. She stared down at me for what felt like a whole minute but in reality, it was probably ten seconds. She nodded her head and answered my question on whether I could come up or not.

I stood up slowly from the sidewalk and looked both ways before crossing the street. My hand reached up shakily as I rang the doorbell. My legs still felt like jelly as I stood in the doorway waiting for her to open the door.

The sound of the lock being turned made my breath hitch and a moment later, she came into view. She didn’t have any makeup on and she was dressed in a large t-shirt and baggy pants. I’d never seen her in clothes like that or without any makeup on. She still looked as beautiful as ever though.

“Um...hi,” I muttered, swallowing the lump in my throat.

“Hi,” she mumbled softly opening the door a little wider so I could slip inside. She shut the door behind me and didn’t say anything further as she turned around and started go to back up the stairs. I quietly followed behind her and winced as I ascended each step. Fuck, I needed to stop going up and down stairs. It felt like my cuts were opening the slightest bit with each step I took.

Just as I was about to reach the last two steps, I closed my eyes telling myself there was only a couple more steps. As I reached the top, I smashed into something and opened my eyes to find Jules waiting for me at the top of the stairs. Her arms reached out to steady me and I grabbed onto her forearms to steady myself.

“You okay?” she whispered, her hands still on my waist. Our faces were so close together that with just one more step, our lips would be touching.

“I’m okay. My knees just hurt,” I replied, looking down to see my bandage covered knees. I couldn’t tell if they were bleeding or not.

She nodded her head and let her hands fall from my hips. I immediately missed the warmth of her touch and followed her as she walked into her room.

“Um...” I started to say not exactly sure where to even start. She continued walking into her room until she reached the foot of her bed and turned around. She sat down slowly with her hands folded together and stared back at me as I stood in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” she asked tilting her head to the side. She looked tired and judging by the dark circles under her eyes, she didn’t sleep last night.

“I wanted to talk to you,” I said stepping further into the room. I stood awkwardly in front of her not knowing whether it was okay to sit beside her or not.

“I...I don’t even know what to say. What you saw yesterday was...I mean Lexi and I never kiss. I mean we’ve kissed before but that was a long time ago and...” I mumbled out not quite sure if I was making sense or not.

“Do you like her?” Jules asked softly as she stared up at me.

“Lexi’s my best friend, “ I said not sure if I even answered her question. Did I like Lexi? I had never thought about Lexi in that way but after she kissed me, I didn’t have a clue about how I felt. All I knew was that I was beyond confused about my feelings.

“That didn’t really answer my question,” Jules said standing up and taking a step towards me. She stopped right in front of me and waited for me to reply.

“I don’t know,” I muttered out, shaking my head slightly.

“Do you like me?” she whispered, bringing her hands up and cupping my cheeks softly. My eyes closed at her touch and I leaned into her warm hands nodding my head gently up and down.

“You know I do,” I murmured. I didn’t understand where Jules was going with this. She had to know that I liked her, I mean I _did_ kiss her first.

“The question is, do you like _me_?” I asked wanting to know how she really felt about me. She had been giving me so many mixed signals the past few weeks I didn’t know where we stood. One minute, she was kissing me in my bed and the next, she was pulling away from me when I tried to kiss her.

“I do. You know I do,” she stated and I shook my head pulling away from her gently.

“Jules, you...you’re so confusing. I mean, I thought we were headed towards being in a relationship. I mean we kissed and I don’t know...over the past few weeks I’ve felt like you don’t even want to be around me. I mean, the last time I tried to kiss you, you pulled away from me and then this past weekend you just... left,” I said raising my hands up in the air confused.

“I know there’s something you’re not telling me and it’s killing me inside not knowing what it is,” I said and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” I said taking a step towards her as I reached out and grasped her hands in my own. She sniffed lightly and turned her head away from me as she shook her head lightly back and forth.

“I... I don’t want you to get involved. The less you know the better,” she said and I knitted my eyebrows confused. What did that mean?

“_Tell me_,” I pleaded once again, begging for her to let me in. Moments passed in silence and with each passing second, my grip on her hands loosened. She was never going to tell me what was going on. She didn’t trust me and that fucking _killed_ me inside. I nodded my head slowly up and down as tears threatened to fall from my eyes.

“Okay,” I mumbled out letting go of her hands completely. Her bottom lip quivered and I took a step back blinking away the tears in my eyes. I shook my head softly at her and I could see the panicked look in her eyes as I continued to walk backwards slowly towards the door.

“Rue,” she whimpered out taking a step towards me but I held my hands up signaling for her not to come any closer.

“Bye, Jules,” I breathed out shakily before turning around and making my way towards the stairs. I didn’t make it very far before I felt her grab my hand and pull me back inside her room. She backed me up against the wall and before I could even say anything, her lips reached down and connected with mine.

I gasped into her mouth and with every bit of energy I had in my body, I tried to push her away. She only pushed me further into the wall deepening our kiss and I was powerless against her. Her arms encircled my waist and I was helpless against her kiss as she opened her mouth against mine. I had dreamt so many times of kissing Jules like this. My dreams were nowhere near what it felt like to actually be kissed like this by her. Her warm tongue stroked against mine and I almost collapsed into her arms at how amazing it felt.

Her strong arms held me up firmly against the wall as I moaned softly into her mouth. My hands glided through her blonde hair pulling her closer towards me as she sucked my bottom lip tenderly into her mouth.

I opened my eyes slowly as I felt her hands reach behind my thighs. She hoisted me up against her waist and I wrapped my legs around her hips. I pulled away gasping for air and opened my eyes to find her blue eyes staring back at me. My chest rose up and down in the same rhythm as hers and I was rendered speechless.

Her head tilted to the side ever so gently and brushed her lips softly against mine once again. I let my eyes flutter shut and wrapped my arms around her neck. A warm sensation took over my body and I could literally feel my whole body pulsating as her hands traveled under my shirt.

I gasped into her mouth as her hands grasped the back of my thighs once again, pulling me away from the wall and over towards her bed.

* * *

:) I can't thank you all enough for the lovely comments you've left me. You truly inspire me to write more and more with your positive reviews. Let me know what you think of this chapter.

Until next time ;)


	5. Chapter 5

My head fell to the side gently on my pillow as I glanced at my alarm clock. 6:29 was displayed in big red numbers. One more minute until I had to get up and get ready for school. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day but I needed to go to school if I wanted to fucking graduate. I was not about to repeat the fucking year.

The god-awful sound of my alarm clock started blaring through my room and I felt like grabbing it and throwing it across the room. It was going to be beyond awkward going back to school. Being that I had ignored Jules and Lexi’s text a good portion of yesterday. I just couldn’t gather the courage to speak to either one of them. Especially with what happened when I went to Jules’ house. Talk about a _fucking_ disaster.

_Flashback_

_Jules pecked my lips softly as she gently lowered me back onto the bed. She leaned down settling her body between my legs and I immediately wrapped my legs around her waist again. She wasted no time reconnecting our lips and I breathed out heavily into her mouth. Her hands glided under my shirt and I gasped as her hands cupped my breasts softly._

_All of a sudden, my anxiety started to creep up out of nowhere. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. The first time I had sex, the only thought in my head was when it was going to fucking end. I knew Jules had all this experience and it made me even more nervous. What if I fucking sucked in bed? I didn’t know what the hell she liked._

_It felt like a spider was crawling up my back, making its way up towards my neck as my hands started to shake. That one spider turned into thousands of spiders as Jules hands traveled to my lower back. Jules’ kisses were becoming more and more frantic as she ground her hips into mine. I removed my hands from her lower back and gripped the sheets desperately in my hands. My body felt constricted to the point where it was getting very difficult to breathe. I gasped for air for one precious second before Jules leaned back in and captured my lips fervently._

_I couldn’t take it anymore and I quickly pushed at her shoulders desperately. Her eyes widened as she pulled back and stared down at me. All I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and fucking breathe for a second._

_“Get off, please. Get off,” I mumbled out in desperation. I sat up immediately as she slid her body off of mine. I turned my back towards her not wanting to see the look on her face. How fucking embarrassing was this? Having a panic attack while we were kissing? That’s really sexy._

_I closed my eyes and my Dad’s voice popped into my head. Breathe in and out slowly. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Those were the words he always used when I would get panic attacks when I was little. Just the thought of his voice was soothing in this moment and all I wanted to do right now was wrap myself in my Dad’s hoodie. In a way, whenever I put on his large hoodie, it felt like his strong arms were hugging me._

_“Rue,” Jules said gently behind me breaking me out of my thoughts. She placed her hand on my lower back and I immediately jumped off the bed at the contact. She got up from the bed and stood up in front of me with a worried expression on her face. She took a step towards me only for me to back away._

_“Um...” I said shaking my head softly not knowing what to say. I held my hands out in front of me signaling for her to give me some space._

_“Did I do something wrong?” she asked in a small voice. I continued to shake my head not able to find the right words to say. I glanced towards the open doorway and only one thought was running through my head. _Run_._

_Being the fucking coward that I am, I bolted out of the room as fast as I could without saying a word._

I sighed out at the memory and brought my hands up to cover my face.

“Rue, you up?” my Mom asked opening my bedroom door to check if I was awake. There were times where I slept straight through my alarm clock and my Mom had to come turn it off and wake me up.

“Yeah, I’m up,” I groaned sitting up and throwing my legs over the side of the bed.

“I made some coffee,” she said as she walked down the hall. I knew she had to get to work and I just nodded my head as I threw on an oversized t-shirt and shorts. I glanced at myself in the mirror and frowned at my reflection. I looked like a fucking zombie who had been run over. The bags under my eyes were all puffy and the left side of my face was scabbed and slightly swollen from my fall the other day. People already whispered and talked about me whenever I passed by at school, this was only going to give them more to fucking gossip about.

“Shit,” I said shaking my head as I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. I turned the corner and Gia was already sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. The thought of food right now was making my stomach churn so I settled for a cup of coffee.

“Baby, remember to ice your face when you get home from school,” my Mom said placing a kiss on top of my forehead. She made her way over to Gia and kissed her quickly before making her way out the door to work.

“You okay?” Gia asked as I sat down on the chair opposite of her. I stirred the spoon around in my coffee and shrugged my shoulders. I grabbed the sugar and poured an unhealthy amount into the dark liquid.

“It’s gonna be so fucking awkward today,” I mumbled out as I took a sip of my coffee. The liquid burned my mouth as it traveled down my throat.

“You never told me what happened with Jules,” Gia said leaning forward in her chair. She pushed her empty bowl of cereal to the side as she clasped her hands together on the table.

“I had a panic attack,” I said shaking my head as I looked up towards her. Gia was no stranger to my panic attacks. She’d witnessed them the entire time we were growing up. After my Dad died, she was my sense of comfort whenever I felt one coming on. She wouldn’t question me about them or anything, she would just grab my hand letting me know she was there.

“Why? What happened?” she asked frowning lightly.

“We uh...we were on her bed and..” I started off not knowing what to say. Gia and I never talked about stuff like this. Not that there was much to talk about in the first place. Honestly, I never really felt comfortable talking about boys, I was just never really interested in any of them growing up like she was. To be honest, I was never really interested in anyone, that is until Jules came along.

“Woah, did you guys have sex?” Gia asked and my eyes widened as I shook my head quickly back and forth.

“_No_! We were just kissing and...I don’t know what the fuck happened. I just ran out of there,” I said running my hands through my hair. A few moments passed in silence and then I looked up to see Gia smirking at me with a huge smile on her face.

“Damn Rue, you have two people who want to be with you and I can’t even get a text back,” she laughed as she stood up and took her bowl to the sink.

“Shut up, Gia,” I said hiding my face in my hands embarrassed. A smile came across my face as I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It felt nice to talk to someone about what was going on.

“Daww, look at you getting all shy and shit,” Gia said coming over towards me and pulling my hands away from my face.

“You’re even blushing!” Gia said as I slapped her hands away, “Come on. We’re gonna miss the bus.” I took a deep breath and grabbed her outstretched hand.

* * *

_Just keep your head down. Don’t make eye contact with anyone_. Walking through the hallways was difficult to say the least. I could feel people pointing at me and whispering as I walked by. All I wanted to do was flip them off but I didn’t have the energy to do so. Mr. Fern’s class was just a few steps away and I sighed out as I turned the corner into the room. Of course, my first class had to be with Lexi and my second class was with both of them. It was just my _fucking_ luck.

As I entered the class, my eyes narrowed as I saw someone sitting in _my_ chair in the back. I mean, we didn’t have assigned seats or anything but that was my _fucking_ seat. I sighed out looking for any empty seat and my eyes widened seeing that there was only one empty seat left. Right next to Lexi.

Her eyes shot up towards me as I stepped further into the room. I felt like grabbing the first person I saw and yanking them out of their seat but then that would only cause a scene. _Fuck._ I could feel her eyes staring at me and I lowered my head, not wanting to make eye contact with her.

“Alright, everyone take your seats and open up to chapter fourteen,” Mr. Fern said motioning with his finger for me to take a seat. I glanced at the door and seriously thought about running out. I closed my eyes and sighed out as I made my way down the aisle of desks. Not really looking where I was going, my foot got caught in the strap of someone’s backpack. I immediately reached forward for anything to hold onto but before I fell to the ground, I felt someone’s arms wrap around my waist. My arms immediately wrapped around the person’s waist as I tried to untangle my foot from the strap of the fucking backpack.

I looked up and found Lexi’s dark, brown eyes staring back at me worriedly. Our faces were so close together and I couldn’t help but glance down towards her lips. Those same lips I had only kissed a couple days ago. The smell of her perfume invaded my nostrils and I inhaled softly at the familiar scent.

“You okay?” she whispered letting go of my waist gently. Before I could even answer, Mr. Fern interrupted.

“Rue, please take your seat,” Mr. Fern stated sternly. I never fucking liked Mr. Fern. He was a dick. He was one of those asshole teachers who always said the bell does not release you, I do. He was a fucking asshole know it all. I glanced back at him and could see him standing at his desk with his arms crossed.

“Uh, thanks,” I mumbled to her before sliding into the seat next to hers. She just nodded her head and smiled taking her seat as well next to me. I pulled out my history book and flipped open to chapter fourteen.

“Rue, we’ll start with you. How did the stock market affect the Great Depression?” Mr. Fern said and my eyes widened slightly as I stared down into my book. I didn’t have the slightest clue how to answer. I fucking hated when teachers called on students like this. It was obvious they were just doing it to fucking embarrass us.

“I uh...I don’t know,” I mumbled wringing my fingers together not looking up. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me and I could feel my heart begin to beat faster.

“Rue, I suggest you spend a little more time reading and caring about your studies. We went over the Great Depression and the effects on the stock market two chapters ago. Maybe if you spent a little less time with other _activities_ then you wouldn’t be struggling in my class,” he stated shaking his head as he pushed his glasses upwards.

I could hear the other students around me laughing and I looked up to see some asshole pretending to snort a line on his desk. The whole class erupted in laughter and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. My hands started to shake and the sounds of laughter only grew louder and louder in my head. I covered my ears trying to block out the sounds but they only grew louder and stronger. I shook my head and pushed my chair roughly out from the desk and walked quickly out of the room.

“Ms. Bennett, take your seat,” I could hear Mr. Fern say behind me but I just shook my head and continued walking until I was in the hallway.

My feet didn’t stop moving until I reached the restroom and locked myself in a stall. I turned around and let my back hit the wall as I slid down slowly. I could still hear the laughter of the other students in my ears and it was times like this that I wanted nothing more than to do a quick line to block everything out. I fucking _hated_ this town. If my Mom told me that she got a new job somewhere in the city and that we needed to move, my bags would be packed that same day.

A new place, new people, a new school where no one knew a fucking thing about me. I wouldn’t be the girl that fucking overdosed and almost killed herself. People wouldn’t whisper about me when I walked down the hallway. I pulled out my phone and contemplated whether or not I should text Gia. Fuck. Wasn’t I supposed to be the big sister here? So many times, I felt like such a burden to her. I mean, people didn’t only start to treat me differently, you know? I could see that Gia was being treated differently as well. All because of what? I fucking overdosed and almost killed myself? What a fucking _great_ sister I am.

“Rue?” Lexi call out softly. I immediately brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly. Maybe if I stayed quiet, she would leave. I could hear her walking closer and closer to the stall I was in and I glanced underneath the stall to see that she had stopped moving.

“Rue, are you okay?” she asked knocking lightly on the stall door. I shook my head softly as I wiped at the tears on my cheeks.

“I’m coming in, okay?” she said softly. I knitted my eyebrows and my eyes widened as I saw her climb under the door and slide into the stall with me. She kept her distance from me and sat opposite from me. She didn’t touch me. She didn’t say anything either as I continued to hold my knees tightly to my chest.

My eyes took in her features as she sat opposite of me. Her bright red lipstick, her rose colored cheeks, and her lightly curled hair. Her eyes were downcast as she traced random patterns on her jeans. She was giving me space and that’s something that I appreciated. She wasn’t pushing me to talk, she wasn’t asking questions, she was just there with me.

“You don’t have to stay with me,” I whispered as her eyes met mine. I rested my head atop my knees and shrugged my shoulders.

“I want to,” she said softly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts,” I said and she just shrugged her shoulders like it was no big deal.

“It’s okay, I understand. You don’t feel the same way about me. I get it,” she nodded her head smiling lightly. I could tell it wasn’t a genuine smile by the way her eyes looked. Whenever Lexi smiled, her eyes lit up but, in this moment, they looked glossy.

I shook my head gently back and forth but she wasn’t looking up at me. I didn’t want her to think that I felt nothing for her. I was obviously confused but I didn’t see Lexi as just a friend anymore.

“Lexi,” I whispered and she just shook her head like I didn’t need to explain myself. I didn’t understand what to do. How was I ever going to figure out anything if I kept running away?

“Lexi,” I said softly as she looked up at me. She shook her head gently and sat up on her knees.

“Um, I just wanted to see if you were okay, but um...I should probably head back to class now,” she nodded gently before proceeding to crawl back under the stall. I don’t know what it was but something inside of me was screaming not to let her leave. My hand jolted out and grabbed her arm not letting her move any further. I gently pulled her back into the stall and she looked at me with knitted eyebrows.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered, our faces only inches apart. My eyes dropped down to her lips and I couldn’t help but stare at her mouth as she spoke. She fell backwards into a seated position against the wall as I cupped her cheeks. Her eyes widened and her mouth parted slightly as I moved closer towards her.

“Rue,” she whispered, shaking her head as she tried to pull away. My hands reached into her hair and pulled her closer to me so that our foreheads were resting against one another.

“I need to see something,” I breathed out against her lips. I knew this was selfish but I had to know if my body would react the same way it did the other day with Jules. I needed to see if a sense of panic came over my body when I was with her, too.

“Rue, I...” Lexi’s words died on her lips as I brushed my lips gently against hers. I could feel her gasp lightly in my mouth and I closed my eyes as she gently started to move her lips against mine. That was all the permission I needed as I opened my mouth gently against hers. She sighed softly into my mouth as I brushed my tongue with hers. Her arms sought out my waist and she pulled me closer against her. She was sitting down so it made it a little difficult to get any closer.

Her hands gently kept pulling me closer and closer to her and I had no choice but to straddle her waist. It was my turn to gasp against her lips as her hands traveled to my lower back. I could feel her pushing my shirt up gently and the second her hands met my bare skin I pulled away from her and breathed out against her lips. I waited for my anxiety to start creeping up but nothing was happening. I connected my lips back against hers and rocked my hips gently against her.

Her warm hands slid up the back of my shirt and I moaned against her lips. Her touch was lighting a fire inside my body and I couldn’t help grinding my hips against hers once again. Why the fuck wasn’t I having another panic attack? Why did my body react like that with Jules but not right now with Lexi? My hands reached out for hers and brought them to the front of my shirt. I gently guided her hands underneath my shirt trying to recreate what had set off my panic attack. My hands stopped moving upwards as I felt her hands beneath mine cup my breasts softly. I gently turned my head and deepened our kiss, sliding my tongue softly against hers.

She pulled her lips away from mine and I could feel her hands shaking underneath my shirt. I opened my eyes and saw her wide eyes staring up at me.

“Rue, I...um,” she said breathlessly. She pulled her hands out from under my shirt and I immediately missed the warmth of her hands on my breasts.

“I’ve never...” she said shaking her head lightly. My chest rose up and down rapidly as her words registered. Had she never had sex before? Or had she never had sex with a girl?

“You’ve never...with a girl? Or... _ever_?” I asked hesitantly afraid to hear the answer. Here I was kissing her for my own selfish reasons and a wave of guilt washed over me.

“Ever,” she whispered, avoiding my eyes. My mouth fell open slightly and I was at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say to that?

“It’s embarrassing. I know,” she sighed out, bringing her hands up to her face covering it. I shook my head gently trying to come up with the right words to say but my fucking brain wasn’t working.

“No, no,” I said gently grabbing her hands and pulling them away from her face.

“Honestly, if I could, I would take back my first time,” I said as she stared up at me. “I mean, it was quick and uncomfortable and...I regretted it the moment it was over,” I said caressing her cheeks softly.

“For the past few years, I've just been so confused with all of my feelings, especially for you that I’ve just never had the desire to...you know hook up with anyone,” she revealed. So, she was basically telling me she’s never had sex...because of her feelings for me?

“I just want my first time to be special,” she said nodding her head. Lexi deserved so much more than my fucked-up self. She was such a good person and I knew I was only going to bring her down. She deserved someone who didn’t come with all of my baggage.

“Lexi, I didn’t mean to pressure you into doing anything,” I mumbled out feeling guilty but she immediately shook her head and cupped my cheeks.

“Rue,” she said laughing gently, “do you know how many times I've dreamt of doing this with you?”

“I...” I started to say, “I just don’t want you to feel like I was rushing you into anything,” I mumbled out.

“I didn’t pull away because of that,” she uttered, “you just...make me nervous,” she said shrugging her shoulders softly.

“I make you nervous?” I asked raising my eyebrows.

“Not in a bad way or anything. It’s like a good nervous? I'm not exactly sure how to explain it but like I said my thoughts and dreams are becoming reality and...uh yeah,” she said bashfully as she leaned forward and rested her head against my shoulder.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and for the next few minutes we just sat there in each other's arms. It didn’t feel awkward or anything, it honestly felt really nice. I rested my head softly against hers and my body hadn’t felt this relaxed in days. What was it about Lexi that made me feel so at ease?

The sound of the bell ringing caused both of us to jump in each other’s arms. I pulled away from her gently and stood up slowly. I reached my hands out for hers and helped her up. She smiled up at me and I got the urge to suddenly kiss her again. Seriously, what the hell was going on with me?

“I can’t believe we’ve been in here all period,” she said in disbelief. I nodded my head and my eyes widened when It finally registered what she had said. First period was over. That meant it was time for second period...with Lexi and_ Jules_. And just like that my heart started to speed up and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

__

* * *

Sorry for the long wait you guys! Thank you all for your comments. They are truly appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

Anxiety has always been a constant factor in my life. I remember when I was little, I would get this overwhelming sensation that something bad was going to happen. I would constantly worry about things that I had no control over. I remember one time specifically I refused to go to school because I was afraid something was going to happen to my parents while I was away from them. My Mom and Dad took me to see a psychiatrist and she gave me these bullshit exercises to go through but none of them ever worked that well. 

I would practice my breathing techniques with my Dad but that was about it. My Mom didn’t really have the patience to sit down with me and work through my panic attacks like my Dad use to. When his body started to shut down when he was sick, my body did the exact same thing. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, and I didn’t talk to anyone but him. I knew he could hear me though, he would nod his head with the little bit of energy he had left in his body when I would talk to him. 

The day I came home from school and saw an ambulance, I knew that he was gone. I could literally feel it as I entered the front door to my house. I don’t know how to explain it but everything felt heavy when I walked into the house. The sight of the paramedics zipping up my Dad in a bag will forever be engraved in my mind. His lifeless body was pale and I remember touching his hand before they took him away. I wanted to savor one last feeling of him but I pulled my hand away shortly after when his hand was cold to the touch. I didn’t want to remember holding his hand like that. I wanted to savor the memory of the warmth that would radiate from his hand to mine when I held it at night. 

Everything spiraled out of control after his death. I didn’t give a fuck about anything. I didn’t care about the consequences of my actions, I didn’t care about my Mom, and I didn’t care about Gia. All I wanted to do was fucking forget about my shitty life for one second. I remember Fez offering me some random drug at a party once and I took it without hesitation. The feeling I felt after I took it was what I had been searching for the few months after my Dad died. After that, I was hooked. 

* * *

Having physical education at the beginning of the day was such a drag. Not that I would prefer it later in the day, I’d rather not go to the class at all. My feet dragged into the locker room as I approached my locker so I could change into my gym clothes. Lexi’s locker was on the other side of the room and I froze as I felt someone come up beside me. 

I closed my eyes and Jules’ scent immediately invaded my nostrils. I inhaled deeply before looking over towards her. She didn’t even glance at me as she grabbed her clothes out of her locker and headed towards the bathroom. She never changed in front of anyone. I remember our first day in this class, she started undressing and everyone immediately started whispering and giving her dirty looks like she didn’t belong there. Fucking assholes.

I quickly changed into a t-shirt and shorts before I headed out to the football field. I closed my eyes as a cool breeze hit my face and I inhaled slowly.

“Rue,” Lexi said coming up beside me. She had tied her hair up and I watched as she wrung her fingers gently in front of her torso. 

“Hm?” I asked scanning the field for any sign of Jules. Why was she taking so long? 

“What are we doing?” she asked softly and I shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea what we were gonna do in class today. Hopefully it wasn’t running. I fucking hated running. The only time I ever ran was when I was late for curfew. 

“Not sure. We’ll probably have to do a couple of laps aro-” I started to say but she shook her head and held her hands out. 

“No, I mean...what are _we_ doing?” she asked motioning between us. My eyes immediately met the floor of the field and I shook my head not knowing what to say. I honestly didn’t know what to tell her. My eyes scanned the field once more and my eyes locked onto Jules as she walked out of the locker room. I frowned when I saw her cradling her arm. Was she hurt? 

“Are you looking for Jules?” she asked causing me to look down towards her for a second before my eyes traveled back to Jules. 

“Of course you are,” she said shaking her head lightly, “can you do me a favor though?” she asked and I knitted my eyebrows wondering what she was talking about. 

“Can you not...can you not kiss me again until you figure out what you want?” she said and I tilted my head to the side as she looked away from me. 

“Each time you kiss me I fall for you a little more and I just...I can see you’re in love with Jules and I just keep asking myself what am I doing?” she said and I reached for her hand and squeezed it softly. Could I be any more of a dick? Here Lexi was pouring her heart out to me and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Jules. She started to walk away from me but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards me. 

“Lexi, I...I don’t know what to do,” I said squeezing her hand softly. I’ve gone through three years of high school without anyone showing the slightest interest in me. It was strange to think about being in a relationship. I’d always kept to myself. I didn’t have many friends and the few ones that I had, I really didn’t pay much attention to. 

Could I actually be in a relationship? Was I in a place where I was healthy enough to be in a relationship? I remember talking to Ali and his words rang in my head. Nothing in high school lasts forever. Was I setting myself up for heartbreak? 

“I know. I know you're confused but I'll still be here. I’ll still be your friend but please just...don’t kiss me,” she said and I nodded my head slowly. My eyes traveled down towards her lips and I licked my lips gently thinking about the kiss we just shared in the bathroom. Where the fuck were all these feelings coming from? 

The first time Lexi and I kissed I didn’t think anything of it. We only kissed for a few minutes and there were no sparks, there were no fireworks. What had changed? I mean it was a nice kiss but I didn’t think about it afterwards and our friendship didn’t become awkward. 

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” she said pulling her hand out of my grasp. I nodded my head as I watched her walk off. My eyes scanned the field and I saw Jules standing by the locker room door staring at me. She looked away the second our eyes met and my feet started to walk over towards her on instinct. 

I stopped a few feet in front of her as she continued to look away from me. She was probably so confused with what happened the other day. I left her with no explanation and for all I knew, she thought she had done something to make me leave. 

“Hi,” I mumbled out taking a step towards her and she just stared at me as I took a couple more steps towards her. She avoided my eyes and I shook my head realizing that she probably saw Lexi and I holding hands. 

“Um...I,” I started to say but she pushed her back away from the brick wall and started to walk away from me. I frowned and reached my hand out for her shoulder only for her to yelp out in pain. I immediately withdrew my hand from her shoulder and watched the pained look take over her face. 

“I’m sorry,” I said retracting my hand, “what happened to your shoulder?” I asked and she just shook her head and continued to walk away from me. 

“Jules,” I said jogging in front of her only for her to step to the side and continue walking. Her hand was still cradling her upper arm and I frowned wanting to know immediately what had happened. 

“Hey,” I said trying to grab her hand only for her to pull it away from me sharply. Why was she acting like this? Was she angry at me for leaving the other day? 

“Don’t,” she said firmly stepping to the side and continuing towards the field. I gritted my teeth and the next thing i knew, I had grabbed her hand and pulled her into the empty locker room. Her wide eyes stared back at me in shock and I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. 

“What happened to your arm?” I asked taking a step towards her only for her to take a step back. I kept taking step after step towards her only for her to move away from me each time. When her back hit the lockers, I took one last step towards her so I was standing in front of her. 

“Jules,” I whispered, reaching up towards her face as I cupped her cheek in my hand. Her skin was cold and I immediately wanted to reach out and hold her against me so I could warm her up. 

“Don’t touch me,” she whispered out, not making any attempt to pull away from my touch. Her voice sounded...broken and defeated. I took another step towards her until our faces were inches apart. Her blue eyes met mine and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. 

All of a sudden, she blinked her eyes letting her tears fall down her cheeks. She brought her hands up to her face and pulled my hand down, pushing me away from her lightly. 

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I whispered out. Her eyes narrowed and she scoffed before wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. 

“I could ask you the same question,” she said shaking her head lightly as she crossed her arms in front of her torso. 

“What?” I asked confused. 

“What do you want from me, Rue?” she asked taking a step towards me. I stumbled backwards a bit not expecting her to come close. 

“What do you mean?” I asked not quite sure what she was asking. 

“You’ve made it pretty clear what you really want, so again, what do you want from _me_?” she asked and I knitted my eyebrows not following her at all. 

“I don’t underst-” I started to say but she cut me off. 

“You and Lexi,” she said nodding her head. 

“What about me and Lexi?” I asked and she shook her head and took a step away from me. 

“You’re such a hypocrite,” she mumbled out as she continued to shake her head, “You’re seriously going to stand there in front of me and play dumb?” she asked raising her voice lightly. 

“Jules,” I started to say but she held her hands out silencing me. 

“You’re always asking me to be honest with you when in fact you’re keeping secrets from me, too?” she asked getting upset. 

“I heard you guys in the restroom,” she said wiping a stray tear that fell down her cheek. No, she couldn’t have. 

“I could see you guys kissing through the crack of the stall. I guess you guys were too into it to notice someone had walked in,” she said shaking her head. 

“I just thought...I really thought that you would have told me you picked her instead of me,” she said shaking her head as she started to walk past me. I reached out for her arm once again completely forgetting that she was hurt and she yelped out in pain. I immediately retracted my hand and watched as she cradled her arm once again. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered out only for her to shake her head and take another step away from me. 

“Lexi and I are _not_ together,” I mumbled out, “the only reason I kissed her was...” I started to say not sure how to tell her the reason behind the kiss.

“Don’t lie to me. I saw you kissing her and then I saw you two holding hands outside on the field,” she said staring into my eyes angrily. 

“Nate was right,” she mumbled under her breath and I narrowed my eyes at her as she walked towards the exit. 

“What the fuck does Nate have anything to do with what is going on? And again, Lexi and I are _not_ together,” I said throwing my hands up in the air. I ran quickly in front of her and blocked her from leaving.

_Flashback, Jules POV _

_My tires came to a screeching halt as I saw the truck parked near my house. I knew that truck. My hands started to shake as I watched Nate open his car door and start walking over towards me. He had a manila envelope in his hand and I gulped. _

_“What are you doing here?” I asked shakily. _

_“I need your help,” he said standing in front of me. My eyes looked up at the tall figure in front of me and I felt nothing but fear being alone with him. _

_“Why would I do anything to help you?” I asked, trying to sound like I wasn’t scared. _

_“I think you know why,” he said opening up the manila envelope and showing me the contents inside. Tears came to my eyes as my pictures came into view. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and tear the envelope to shreds but I knew it was pointless. I’m sure he had several copies. _

_Nate went on to explain exactly what he wanted me to do and I felt my stomach churning. My heart was beating out of my chest and I just wanted to scream. How was I going to lie to the police about Tyler to protect a monster like Nate? Did that make me any better than him? _

_My phone rang in my pocket and Nate narrowed his eyes at me as I pulled my phone out. Rue’s picture lit up the screen as she was calling me and Nate laughed lightly. _

_“You know she’s just using you, right?” he said taking a step towards me. My eyes widened and I grasped my phone tightly in my hands. _

_“You’re nothing but a distraction to her. You’re something new and exciting to her. But guess what, she’s going to get tired of you and find something else. You honestly think she’s going to remember who the fuck you are in ten years?” he asked taking a step towards me. _

_“I’ve known Rue since middle school and each year that passes, she fucks up her life just a little bit more. She doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but herself and sooner or later you’re going to find that out,” he said looking down at me. _

_“You don’t know anything about her. She knows about me and your Dad, did you know that?” I asked trying not to back down from his advances. _

_“That was a very stupid thing to do, Jules. I already warned you not to tell anyone. To be honest, Rue is the least of my worries. All I’d have to do is slip something into one of her drinks and finish what should have happened during the summer,” he said and I immediately knew he was referring to her overdosing. _

_“Don’t you dare hurt her,” I said pushing his chest roughly only for him to grab my shoulder and pull me forcefully against him. His nails dug into the skin of my shoulder and his grip around my arm only tightened as I struggled against him. Tears welled into my eyes as his grip tightened and as I stared into his eyes, the only thing I could see was rage. _

_“Then keep your fucking mouth shut and do as I say,” he said firmly before pushing me roughly backwards. I smashed into my bike and fell backwards onto my shoulder that he had dug his nails into. I winced as I rubbed my shoulder back and forth lightly. What was I going to do?_

“You know, I was going to tell you everything today. I’m so tired of...of keeping this a secret but he’s right. He’s right,” she said looking down at the floor once again. What the hell was she talking about? What was Nate right about? 

“Move,” she said finally looking up at me with her tear stained cheeks. I shook my head firmly and made no move to get out of the way. 

“No, we need to talk,” I said shaking my head not letting her get past me. 

“Jules,” I said placing my hand on her forearm but she just shook her head back and forth. I sighed out and dropped my hands down to my sides as she stood in front of me. Her eyes closed and I stared back at her for several moments before she said anything. 

“I should've never let you kiss me in the first place. Everything was so much easier when we were just friends but now i'm in l-," she started to say softly but the sound of the other locker room door opening had us both jump. Before I could say anything else, Jules had pushed her way past me and ran out the door. My feet were planted to the floor for several moments before I was finally able to move. 

I could feel anger coursing through my veins as I walked down the hall. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating. I knew where he was this period. I didn't give a fuck if I walked into the boys locker room. I would probably get detention but who gives a fuck. There was only one person on my mind at the moment, and that person was Nate fucking Jacobs. 

Notes:

So sorry for the late update! Moving to a different city and starting a new job has been a little stressful. Good thing I'm settled in now. Hope you enjoyed the update. :D


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